...i felt overwhelmed with undeserved love. for me, this is GOD. this is how god speaks and reveals himself (for lack of a better pronoun) to us. god isn't miraculous healings, quick-fixes or huge revelations--although he (again with the pronoun problem) can be. for me, god is the thing standing between me and emptiness. the thunderstorm when i needed to be shaken awake inside. the call from someone who loves me just when i was about to turn off my phone and fall back into more drunken sleepathoning. the moments when i feel so filled with love that i might burst into tears at any moment (and i often do).thank GOD for good friends. thank god for my core group of girls and my beautiful boys who see through all my bullshit-even when i can't. thank god for my friends who let me continue to do what i need to do, and be who i need to be, sans criticism-without asking me to change parts of myself to better suit them.
i feel so blessed-so VERY, VERY blessed to have the friends in my life that i have. i AM blessed. and i think that is WHY i am so blessed-because i feel it. i feel the gifts-i see them as gifts-and so they are. thank GOD.
i was telling laura one time about how i feel so blessed that i have such good friends. i told her that i don't understand how or why i should get to have such amazingly loving, loyal and beautiful people in my life. she told me it's because i am a good friend-it brings out the "good friend" in others. i don't know if that's true. i would like it to be true-i try to make it true-but i'm human, and so i often fail. but i think that's all any of us can really ask of ourselves-trying.
TO TRY TO BE BETTER IS TO BE BETTER.
i like that, and i believe it.
thank GOD for good friends. thank god for family and friends who love me without condition. they love me just because. and that's enough.
i've come to terms with the fact that i really am a nice person. i believe that people are truly themselves when they are at their best, so i believe this of myself too.
i love easily. i want to build other people up, even if it means losing myself for a time. i always find myself again-in the people who know me, who love me, who need me, as much as i know, love and need them. i want everyone to feel loved. (this is why i want to adopt kids, but that's another rambling for another day.) i want everyone to know that their worth is infinite and not dependant upon the whims of anyone else.
i feel so incredibly blessed that in spite of everything-the loneliness, the emptiness, the self-loathing and the guilt-there has never been a moment in my life in which i have felt unloved. thank GOD-literally.
that is what god is, i believe. and this knowing-this being still and knowing-is a gift. it comes from faith, and it is faith.
it's not about the dogma, or the badges or the (self)righteousness. god is love. for me it's that simple.
and to have GOD is to be FREE. but not the kind of freedom that has come to be synonymous with america/democracy....you know, the "freedom" to buy red, white and blue shit at walmart whenever we feel so inclined, or the "freedom" to file noise complaints against our neighbors, or even the "freedom" to be "heard" at the ballot box.
the kind of freedom i am referring to doesn't come at a price. it does not need to be fought for or won, it does not have to be rationed out. this kind of freedom is much bigger.
this freedom is freedom of the soul to live in forgiveness. it is the freedom to forgive ourselves.
it is the freedom to live inside ourselves, and really be home. i think this is what most of us are really after if we are honest with ourselves. at the very least, it's true for me.
i think that lots of the time we are our own worst enemies. i see this in people i love, and i see this in myself as well. i think that the only way to stop worrying about if i am "too much of this" or "not enough of that" is to live in a constant state of forgiveness.
i think that the only way i will ever be able to accomplish the things i want is to be free to fail. if i am free to fail, i am free to succeed.
forgiveness/faith/freedom is the only thing that an conquer my fear. if i am free from guilt over my short-comings, they no longer matter. it is the guilt that is deadly for me.
if i don't have to worry about myself-about not "living up to my potential," about failure, or about succeeding and not being able to maintain success-then i am free to act for myself. i won't hold myself hostage any longer.
GOD is the freedom to love myself, without condition. (i like that, and i know it is true.)
christianity does it for me. it gives me answers where i need them, and allows me to be at peace with uncertainty. so naturally, i want this for other people...especially those i love most dearly. but when it comes down to it, i know that GOD is much bigger than labels and language.
GOD is love.
wherever there is love, there GOD is.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
help me to be the friend my friends need.
forgive me when i fail.
and when i forget how loved i am, and/or how much i love myself, i know you will remind me.
thank you. thank you. thank you.
thank you for making it okay for me to be loved.
thank you for giving me people to love.
thank you for forgiving me-and thank you for helping me-allowing me to be free-to forgive myself.
amen!
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