beautiful.

My sister’s first college choir concert was held this past Sunday evening at 8pm in the Our Lady of Victory Chapel at St. Kate’s. This chapel happens to be one of my favorite places. It is so peaceful. I love it there. I have only been to mass there once, and as I am not Catholic nor do I plan to become Catholic, I doubt I’ll ever go again. BUT I love to just “be” in this space.

Seriously.

The concert was lovely. It was a candlelight affair to celebrate the first Sunday of Advent. My grandparents and parents attended as well. While we were waiting for the show to begin, my grandma showed us the bulletin and inserts she saved from a funeral she went in the week prior to that night. A girl named Nikki, who is the granddaughter of a family friend, finally died of cancer the day after Thanksgiving this year. I say “finally” because she had been battling illness since her birth. She was 13 when she died. She was born with a rare heart abnormality which resulted in numerous surgeries even just days after she was born. As she grew and began to recover, she was diagnosed with a rare stomach cancer and when she finally started to recover from that she began to suffer from chemo-induced leukemia which eventually took her life. I have never actually met this girl, but she’s been in my thoughts for a number of years. I have chatted with her on her Caring Bridge webpage, even wrote her a poem which her family fashioned into a background image for the webpage.

Finding out that she had died made me sad…sad for her family, although I know they had been watching her suffer for years and may have found some peace in her finally being able to rest and be pain-free. But the whole experience was just so…emotional. I found myself overcome with THAT feeling….that feeling which I call inescapable or unfathomable love. Sitting in the pew of a church reading a speech that Nikki once gave to her church congregation, I couldn’t contain myself. I cried. I cried from a really deep part of myself. I don’t cry easily, and so when it rains…it pours. And I love it. I feel so very connected and whole in these moments when I am so filled with love that I feel like I simply might burst.

Faith is a beautiful thing. Nikki had it, and this has allowed her family to be at peace with her death. Even in times when her family couldn’t hold on to their faith (I mean, it is not difficult to see how the terminal illness of a child, one’s own child, could be a deal-breaker for a person of any religious persuasion) but somehow Nikki held on for them. Maybe because she couldn’t let go, even if she wanted to. This is how I feel about my faith. Even in times when I question so many things (which is most of the time) I simply cannot let go of my faith….or perhaps it is more accurate to say that it will not let go of me.

This is why I have never lost my faith—it has never lost me. God is faithful, always. That is reassuring, freeing and damn comforting.

I had a beautiful experience in that church on Sunday night. Songs of hope occupying the seemingly colossal expanse of the chapel, a building established and maintained by strong, compassionate women. To the Sisters—thank you for your vision, and thank you for giving us not only an excellent college, but a place to keep our hearts. Coeur de Catherine is the name of the central building on campus. But for me, the whole campus, well the whole place and the idea of the place—the Sisters who had a vision of creating an environment in which women would be empowered to lead and influence and made it come to life against all odds, the dedicated faculty and staff who keep it ticking, and most importantly the strong, enlightened and powerful women who occupy the classrooms—is my heart.

Thank God.

I love you.

mothers and daughters

i plan to be a mother someday. not any time in the near future mind you, but someday. i want to adopt at least two children. i hope one of them will be a daughter.

I will show my daughter what it is to say “yes” to self.

She will never see me deny myself anything that I need. I will not be a martyr. I will not be a saint.

I will teach her how to love herself as much as she loves others.

I will not be a “good hostess.”

I will not take the smallest portion; I will not be served last.

I will not use guilt to manipulate.

I will not tell her to go on a diet.

I will not tell her that she would be better if she dropped 15 pounds.

I will not stop her from ordering dessert.

I will not tell her that her interests are trivial, wrong or useless.

She will never hear me say that I hate my body.

I will tell her that her worth is infinite, and dependant upon no one.

She will see me cry, laugh, scream, struggle, succeed. Nothing will be hidden from her.

She will always keep her dignity.

I will always treat her with respect.

I will show her how to indulge her passions. I will indulge mine.

I will read to her and sing to her.

I will listen to her, and take her seriously, even when she is young.

I will not tell her that her life begins when she gets married.

I will tell her that her life began the day she was born.

I will tell her that she is the author of her own life.

I will tell her that there is no shame in asking for help.

And mostly, I will love her all the time without condition, forever.

religion (from an old diary of mine)

...i felt overwhelmed with undeserved love. for me, this is GOD. this is how god speaks and reveals himself (for lack of a better pronoun) to us. god isn't miraculous healings, quick-fixes or huge revelations--although he (again with the pronoun problem) can be. for me, god is the thing standing between me and emptiness. the thunderstorm when i needed to be shaken awake inside. the call from someone who loves me just when i was about to turn off my phone and fall back into more drunken sleepathoning. the moments when i feel so filled with love that i might burst into tears at any moment (and i often do).

thank GOD for good friends. thank god for my core group of girls and my beautiful boys who see through all my bullshit-even when i can't. thank god for my friends who let me continue to do what i need to do, and be who i need to be, sans criticism-without asking me to change parts of myself to better suit them.

i feel so blessed-so VERY, VERY blessed to have the friends in my life that i have. i AM blessed. and i think that is WHY i am so blessed-because i feel it. i feel the gifts-i see them as gifts-and so they are. thank GOD.

i was telling laura one time about how i feel so blessed that i have such good friends. i told her that i don't understand how or why i should get to have such amazingly loving, loyal and beautiful people in my life. she told me it's because i am a good friend-it brings out the "good friend" in others. i don't know if that's true. i would like it to be true-i try to make it true-but i'm human, and so i often fail. but i think that's all any of us can really ask of ourselves-trying.

TO TRY TO BE BETTER IS TO BE BETTER.

i like that, and i believe it.

thank GOD for good friends. thank god for family and friends who love me without condition. they love me just because. and that's enough.

i've come to terms with the fact that i really am a nice person. i believe that people are truly themselves when they are at their best, so i believe this of myself too.

i love easily. i want to build other people up, even if it means losing myself for a time. i always find myself again-in the people who know me, who love me, who need me, as much as i know, love and need them. i want everyone to feel loved. (this is why i want to adopt kids, but that's another rambling for another day.) i want everyone to know that their worth is infinite and not dependant upon the whims of anyone else.

i feel so incredibly blessed that in spite of everything-the loneliness, the emptiness, the self-loathing and the guilt-there has never been a moment in my life in which i have felt unloved. thank GOD-literally.

that is what god is, i believe. and this knowing-this being still and knowing-is a gift. it comes from faith, and it is faith.

it's not about the dogma, or the badges or the (self)righteousness. god is love. for me it's that simple.

and to have GOD is to be FREE. but not the kind of freedom that has come to be synonymous with america/democracy....you know, the "freedom" to buy red, white and blue shit at walmart whenever we feel so inclined, or the "freedom" to file noise complaints against our neighbors, or even the "freedom" to be "heard" at the ballot box.

the kind of freedom i am referring to doesn't come at a price. it does not need to be fought for or won, it does not have to be rationed out. this kind of freedom is much bigger.
this freedom is freedom of the soul to live in forgiveness. it is the freedom to forgive ourselves.
it is the freedom to live inside ourselves, and really be home. i think this is what most of us are really after if we are honest with ourselves. at the very least, it's true for me.
i think that lots of the time we are our own worst enemies. i see this in people i love, and i see this in myself as well. i think that the only way to stop worrying about if i am "too much of this" or "not enough of that" is to live in a constant state of forgiveness.
i think that the only way i will ever be able to accomplish the things i want is to be free to fail. if i am free to fail, i am free to succeed.
forgiveness/faith/freedom is the only thing that an conquer my fear. if i am free from guilt over my short-comings, they no longer matter. it is the guilt that is deadly for me.
if i don't have to worry about myself-about not "living up to my potential," about failure, or about succeeding and not being able to maintain success-then i am free to act for myself. i won't hold myself hostage any longer.
GOD is the freedom to love myself, without condition. (i like that, and i know it is true.)
christianity does it for me. it gives me answers where i need them, and allows me to be at peace with uncertainty. so naturally, i want this for other people...especially those i love most dearly. but when it comes down to it, i know that GOD is much bigger than labels and language.
GOD is love.
wherever there is love, there GOD is.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
help me to be the friend my friends need.
forgive me when i fail.
and when i forget how loved i am, and/or how much i love myself, i know you will remind me.
thank you. thank you. thank you.
thank you for making it okay for me to be loved.
thank you for giving me people to love.
thank you for forgiving me-and thank you for helping me-allowing me to be free-to forgive myself.
amen!

embrace

i've asked you a million times,

the same question:

why?

i've cried so many times,

the same reason:

why?

hold me,

hold me,

hold me,

and you always do--

you always do.

i guess i don't really need to wait for

the answer.

ridiculous.

i know that you know, and
you know that i know
that you know
that i know
that you know
that i know, etc.
god.
help me cut through the
bullshit.
please.

if home is everywhere

if home is

every-where

with any-one,

any-time

is home anywhere?

is home?

please come home.

souls

this is a repost that i originally put on another blog back in the day...

what Time did

Time leapt from her exclamation punctuated what's between the marks matters little only that she get from one to the next somehow all skin and bones her body new she thought she'd give flight a try so much blank space room to move little did she know of the plexiglas fences she saw herself in a mirror how lovely Time smothered her curves in cotton satin anything her virgin hands could grab hold of she counted twenty thousand stars she fell into his arms she learned his rhythm he pushed her pulled her push pull she liked it he kissed the soft mound of her belly rise fall she liked it calloused fingers stains on skin yellow for nicotine purple for wine fading Time saw herself in his blank spots she liked what she saw slightly less still familiar with her darkening palette fingers curled holding her knees snug with her chin gently faintly rocking swaying singing soft songs to no one none Time lifted up her dress spun around she fell down what is this thing i'm trapped inside of skin and bones skin and bones skin and bones and one day she didn't see herself anymore punctuated

remix

Time leapt from her exclamation punctuated what's between the marks matters little only that she get from one to the next somehow all skin and bones her body new she thought she'd give flight a try so much blank space room to move little did she know of the plexiglas fences she saw herself in a mirror how lovely Time smothered her curves in cotton satin anything her virgin hands could grab hold of she counted twenty thousand stars she fell into his arms she learned his rhythm he pushed her pulled her push pull she liked it he kissed the soft mound of her belly rise fall she liked it calloused fingers stains on skin yellow for nicotine purple for wine fading Time saw herself in his blank spots she liked what she saw slightly less still familiar with her darkening palette fingers curled holding her knees snug with her chin gently faintly rocking swaying singing soft songs to no one none Time lifted up her dress spun around she fell down what is this thing i'm trapped inside of skin and bones skin and bones skin and bones and one day life no longer fit on a page bigger than the sky she gave flight a try He carried her up up through over around in forever

before i die

this is an amazingly beautiful song...i would highly recommend you go and listen to it...

i like the idea here. i think too often christians think about salvation as something that happens after death...as if this life weren't worth the time of day. but really? if the physical world wasn't important, we wouldn't be here. if we could live inside salvation every day, while we're here...doesn't that just seem more meaningful than keeping a tally list of good works or number of masses attended, or any number of other things so that once we drop dead, we'll have a ticket to "real" or "eternal" life? we are already in the midst of eternal lives...our souls are alive now, tied to our physical bodies so that we can recognize our spirituality. that's my thought for the day. that, and that i think you really, really should go listen to this song...it's gorgeous.

http://www.romadiluna.com

Before I Die

Written by Roma di Luna, 2005

From our debut album "The Face of My Friends"

I work so hard, nearly every

Break my back to put money away

But just you wait I'm gonna leave this place

Before I die

There is a place, in my love's arms

Keeps me safe and far from harm

And its in that place I'm gonna spend some time

Before I die

You say you're worried about your dirty past

I say it's harder always looking back

You got to be free from all of that

Before you die

I have joy, and I have peace

Forget this world and all its greed

I left it all to be redeemed

Before I die

Take me home; take me there

Give Him my burdens and all my cares

Oh precious savior

Oh take my soul

Before I die

I work so hard nearly everyday

I break my back to put money away

But just you wait

I'm gonna leave this place

Before I die

it aint easy to say good bye

laura just informed me that the morris kids' graduation is on may 12th....i.e. in less than a month! i haven't been up there to visit since before christmas, and now i only have a month left! i can't wrap my mind around this idea. somehow i thought that the kids would just stay there, in purgatory, forever. i guess they have to grow up, it's just that if they do...then that part of my life is completely over. even though i was only at that school for a year and a half, it means alot to me. more than i can explain, probably.

i met so many amazing people. i met myself. i am gonna miss being able to go visit the boys at morris, in the black hole, the nevernever land.

i love you kids.

they will always be my fucking kids.

i'm gonna go cry now.

coffee with my mother

i am home from work today. my mom was also not at work, as she had a board of trustees meeting to attend at st. kate's as a representative of WEC. after the meeting, she decided to pay me a visit. we had both already had lunch, so we decided to go for coffee. she wanted to go to spyhouse, i don't know why. so we went.

while we were there she made the candid observation that if you came across a place that looked as spyhouse does out in the sticks, you would not react in the same way as you do here where the aesthetic is completely planned. here it's hip and vintage. a place that has similar aesthetic qualities, but is authentic would be met with disgust or a nice patronizing, "aww, isn't this cute."

she also wondered at how long it took the patrons of this place to mess their hair so perfectly, and mismatch their clothes so brilliantly.

*heh*

i heart my mommy!

roses in the bathroom

i work in an office. i spend my day in cubeland, doing the bitch-work of about 100 people in the minneapolis disability claims department of a large international insurance company. sometimes i'm very, very busy all day...and other days i have to fucking pinch myself to stay awake...or at least to keep from snoring too loudly or worse, drooling on my keyboard.

i spend a huge portion of my life in that joint, 40 hours a week to be exact. i spend more time with my coworkers than i do with my family and all of my friends combined. it's so strange. i find myself talking to my coworkers about very personal things, all the time and they reciprocate with tell-all self disclosure...and the odd part is that it really doesn't feel so strange. and yet none of them, with the exception of amber, know anything about me beyond what i choose to disclose in the work context.

anyone who has ever worked in an office for any length of time knows what i'm talking about: offices are strange twilight zone, black hole, crazyass places. there's a whole little world in the office, complete with gossip, politics, advice, compassion, girl scout cookie-selling, and most of all community.

maybe this phenomenon is like confessing your deepest, darkest secrets to the stranger sitting next to you on a plane--there's no threat, and it's "not real" because these people only exist in one context. they are not a part of my life once we're off the 6th floor, but on the 6th floor, goddamn are they important!

i have been walking the line with work friends, daring to "hang out" outside of work...and have developed a good friendship with amber. i've met her friends, seen where she lives & she's met some of my friends and gotten drunk at my apartment. when we come in half-dead every monday morning and regale one another with tales of our respective weekends, we can visualize the madness easily, having witnessed one anther's "real lives" first hand, you know, outside of the office.

for as much as i love to complain about most things, if the truth be told, i'd have to say i really love my job. not just because it's the fucking easiest $14 an hour i've ever made, or for the benefits, or even for the med charts (which are really interesting to read, trust me). i love the people. not the claimants (they often drive me nuts), but my coworkers. people are fascinating. not just the the noteworthy, beautiful few...but everybody. i think perhaps it's the ordinary people, even more than the extraordinary ones, who are the most fascinating. or maybe i just work with a flock of rare birds...(or maybe i just watch too much reality tv)...

my team (and i really do consider us a team) at work includes amber, kim, sreng, norm, vlad, jason, deb (the new lady as of today) and our supervisor karen.

amber: dropped out of college after a year, moved back with her parents in south st. paul, and works at the same company as her mom. she has one of the tightest networks of friends i've ever seen (and i thought i had the monopoly on good friends). she's known these people since childhood, and still lives just down the street from them. for as much as i think most would advocate a change of scenery, new experiences, etc., i also think there is something to be said for life-long solidarity. i think that's pretty damn special, and in this world rather rare. amber has an amazing singing voice. i went to karaoke with her and her friends one night in the fall, and was truly blown away. no hyperbole. she's amazing. the only problem is she doesn't really know it. i'm working on that. in the short time that i've known her, she's been an outstanding friend, always there to listen to my broken-record complaints, and to tell me how amazing i am, even when i feel like the absolute shit of the earth. i try to do the same for her, and i hope i succeed.

kim: is a 30-something lesbian with an 11 year old son conceived in a drunken romp with a friend from high school. she plays hockey, and her team won state in their division this year. she has a fucking zoo in her apartment: 3 cats, a dog, and up until this winter a bunny named princess. she is also one of the kindest, most gentle souls i've ever met, in spite of her know-it-all tendencies. i think she's trying to over-compensate for her self-perceived inadequacies...so i always try to make her feel smart. i talk to her about my classes, and often ask for advice even though i really don't need or want it. sometimes you gotta do that for people. god knows i sometimes need a bit of that myself.

sreng: drives a benz, shops at neiman marcus, and is the receptionist and probably the most dedicated employee in the entire office. her parents have money. sreng, her fiance and her son live with her parents. they'll be moving out, after they get married this summer on a beach in new jersey, where her fiance's parents live. amber and i are in invited to the reception in minnesota. she is 26, but looks about 17. she is an amazing mom, and a great friend. when her and her mom & two siblings lived in rochester when she was in high school, they often stopped at the truckstop in cannon falls for pie when en route to the cities to visit family. sreng is extremely mellow dramatic, and gives her fiance the silent treatment at least once a day. she is also one of the most genuine people i've ever met. i recently learned that she is fluent in chinese.

norm: is one of the most high-strung middle aged men i've ever encountered. he's known to throw temper tantrums, in which boxes end up crushed, files strewn about the floor, and phones end up slammed into receivers. yesterday he was convinced that the world was coming to an end because his tv wasn't working properly, and his long-time, live-in girlfriend terry was apparently in tears over the ordeal. the way he was talking you'd have thought there was a death in the family. you get used to it. norm is perhaps the most loveable of our little crew. he is also the only one who gets away with calling our boss "troll woman" (on account of her short stature, he claims) or "the warden" to her face. he's also diabetic, and makes a production of having to "shoot up" on donut-days. he's a great smoking buddy, and there's no one more fun to "shoot the shit" with.

vlad: fancies himself quite the comedian. he generally keeps to himself, except for occasionally when he comes up with "a zinger." unfortunately no one else in the office speaks russian, and so most of the humor is lost in translation. but you can't help but laugh along with him...his enthusiasm is infectious. he and his wife and son immigrated to the u.s. of a. from ukraine about seven years ago. he's a really nice guy.

jason: wins something on the radio just about every other day. he always has 93x on in his cube, and seriously wins concert tickets, box seats at sporting events, and free hotel stays at least once a week. it's ridiculous. he generally keeps to himself, except to occasionally stand behind doors and jump out at an unsuspecting norm. "he thinks it's so funny to try and give the old guy a heart attack." norm gets a kick out of it too, though he'd never admit it.

deb: started today. she seems pretty cool. amber, kim & i were worried that the new person might "cramp our style," meaning that we'd have to watch our language and turn our music down. but alas, deb seems pretty fun. so far all we know about her is that she's from wisconsin, listens to country music, smokes marlboro lights, lives with her boyfriend and his two kids (both boys, one 11 and the other 4)...but i think she'll fit in well. i'll be training her on wednesday, which should be interesting training someone twice my age. but whatevs.

karen: is super nice, although you don't wanna mess with her. she loovvvesss to tell stories...she always has one to top yours. as far as bosses go, i must say she's pretty fucking great. if you should happen to swing by her cube at any point in the day, you can expect at least a 20-minute storytime (which is fine by me...i'd rather listen to her talk than slave away in file-land). it was her birthday last saturday, her 56th to be exact, and we all got her little presents. she was so touched she almost teared up. no doubt she'll be telling all her friends about how much her employees love her and how great she is because of it. whatever. i'm glad we can give her another story to tell. happy birthday karen.

in the office building, the cleaning staff (which as far as i can tell consists of one very dedicated chick who takes care of all 14 floors) puts fresh flowers in the bathrooms every day. today they were apricot colored roses. goodness knows i have ample time to smell the roses, as i frequent the potties on a nearly hourly basis. amber says i should just move my desk in there...i probably should, i'd get more done that way. at any rate, a place that has roses in the bathroom isn't all that bad.

butterflies

People say Im crazy I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes Well thats one way to lose These walking blues Diamonds on the soles of your shoes -Paul Simon